As I’ve talked about in previous articles, so much of how we move through the world is shaped by what’s happening beneath the surface of our minds, by the subconscious patterns and beliefs that are quietly influencing our choices every day. If you’ve ever thought, “Why don’t I feel like myself anymore?” this is typically the first place to look.
In this article, I want to invite you to look at something subtle, but also very powerful: one of the hidden forces that shapes how you show up in the world (and it might be the real reason why you hold yourself back at times, or don’t always feel like you can be your authentic self).
I call it the “mask”.
The Birth of the “Mask” (how it starts)
If you’ve ever watched a baby, you’ve probably noticed that they don’t pay attention to other people’s opinions of them. They don’t care what they look like. They don’t care how funny they sound. And they definitely don’t stop to think about whether someone else is judging them or not.
They just are. They’re genuinely themselves.
But at some point, that all changes…
At some point, there will come a time when someone else will point out something negative about them (maybe they’ll laugh at the way they talk or criticize the way they act), and suddenly a “moment” is created. A moment where that young child feels judged, embarrassed, or even ashamed.
And in that moment, they make a decision:
“I’ll act the way this person wants me to, so I don’t have to feel bad like this again.”
If they’re lucky, they’ll have someone in their life (like a parent or a friend) who’ll show them how to deal with this kind of criticism in a healthy way. Someone who shows them how to laugh it off, own their insecurities, or just unapologetically be themselves.
But for a lot of us, that person never existed, so instead we started to sculpt our personalities around what was more preferable to others. Creating and portraying a version of ourselves that felt safer, more acceptable, and less likely to be judged.
Like a ‘personality construct’ that helps us gain approval, avoid conflict, and feel safe.
How a mask is created (and becomes automatic)
This type of decision happens quickly, silently, and usually without us consciously realizing it. Over time, it becomes an automatic pattern that plays out at a subconscious level.
“Subconscious” meaning, we don’t really pay attention to the fact that we’re doing it (even though we’d remember that we were doing it if we really took the time to look inside of ourselves).
This new way of acting becomes the new “version” of us – the us we think we are – the personality.
We’re essentially putting on a show to avoid showing our true, vulnerable selves to the world. And as we do, we’re unknowingly moving further and further away from expressing the true version of who we are, which is often when we start to feel like we’re not really ourselves anymore.
We adjust our behaviour, hold back, and act in whatever way feels the safest, depending on who’s around us.
And every time we do, it reinforces that new version of us. A version that’s not fully who we are. A version that’s been shaped by our fear of judgment and our need for approval.
How my mask was formed (a personal story)
When I was younger, I unknowingly created my own mask. It was a defence mechanism that shaped how I showed up in the world for most of my life, and it held me back for years.
Up until third grade, I was a really outgoing and confident kid. But everything changed very suddenly one day, a few months after I moved to a new school in a small town.
I was in the schoolyard at recess when I saw a group of popular girls surrounding another girl, making fun of her – this girl was someone who those other girls had labelled as a “loser” kid. I’ve always had a soft spot for people who are being picked on, so when I saw them bullying her, I stepped in to defend her.
I knew it was the right thing to do, but despite that, the moment came at a really high cost because, standing up to those bullies then put an immediate target on my back, and from that day onward, I was labelled as a “loser” kid too.
In that small town, everyone knew everyone, so the label stuck with me for years, all the way up until high school.
That experience changed me. I went from being outgoing and unafraid to hiding in the background in every social situation, scared of being noticed or judged. People started calling me shy, but the truth was, I wasn’t shy at all – I was just scared. Scared that if I stood out again, “bad things” would happen, just like they did the first time.
My mask of “shyness” became my defence mechanism – something I used to protect myself from further rejection. But I didn’t realize that by having it, it was also keeping me small. It stopped me from progressing forward in the ways I wanted to in life, and it stopped me from being seen and from expressing my real self to the world.
As an adult, I’ve had to work really hard to find and remove all of the deeply ingrained emotions and patterns that were holding that “mask of shyness” in place. Essentially, that meant facing the fears and deeply ingrained beliefs I’d been carrying with me since that day, and learning to let them go.
The biggest problem with the mask (why it keeps you stuck)
Over time, our masks become so ingrained and automatic within us that we forget they’re even there. We lose sight of the situations and experiences that caused us to create them in the first place, and we start to believe that that false version of ourselves is who we really are.
For almost my entire childhood, I labelled myself as shy, completely forgetting the outgoing, confident person I was only a few years earlier. I didn’t realize that “shy” wasn’t who I was; it was just the mask I’d created to protect myself.
Sometimes, we use these kinds of labels as excuses to avoid looking deeper. We tell ourselves, “This is just who I am,” and we never question it.
Sometimes, we even take pride in the version of ourselves we’ve created, looking for validation from others on how well we’re playing the role we think they want us to play.
But deep down, something always feels “off”, like we’re slightly out of sync with ourselves, even if we can’t explain why.
Then years go by, and even though we think we’re doing everything “right” based on other people’s expectations of us, we feel unhappy, unfulfilled, or even lost, wondering why we’re not truly satisfied.
For me, I was limiting myself by not letting myself be seen in certain ways (like with avoiding public speaking, for example), which really hindered my ability to progress in my coaching business.
I also sing, and because of all of this, I was absolutely terrified to get up on a stage and sing in front of an audience for most of my life.
I subconsciously felt like I was keeping myself safe by staying unseen, but in reality, I was only holding myself back.
Who would you be without your mask?
Take a minute to think about these questions:
- What parts of you have you been hiding out of fear?
- What would you be doing differently if you weren’t afraid of judgment or rejection?
- What were you like in the past that you’ve since stopped allowing yourself to be?
The truth is, your personality isn’t you. It’s a construct; a survival mechanism you built to navigate the world. And even though it probably served you at some point, it doesn’t have to define you now, or keep you stuck.
Lives change, and people constantly grow out of the old versions of themselves they used to be.
You can do it too. You can choose to be who you want to be. And over time, as those old protective patterns loosen, you start to feel more like yourself again, not just the version of you that kept you safe.
It’s all just about peeling back the layers that have been subconsciously hiding the true you from taking the spotlight.
If you ever feel ready to explore this more deeply, know that you don’t have to do it alone. There are simple, practical ways to release those old patterns and step into a life that feels aligned with who you truly are (even if you don’t know what that looks like yet). Sometimes, just having a supportive conversation can be the first step toward real change.
If you’d like some guidance, feel free to book a free insight call with me – no pressure, just a chance to explore what’s possible for you.
You can choose not to hide anymore. The world is waiting for the real you to come out and play 🙏
Nikki
Next steps and resources
- If you’re new here:
Start with my foundational article: How Your Subconscious Mind Shapes Your Everyday Life. - And if you want to dive deeper…
Here are some more articles to explore:
Frequently Asked Questions:
Why don’t I feel like myself anymore?
Often, it’s because you’ve unknowingly moved away from your authentic self to avoid judgment or rejection. Over time, these protective patterns become automatic, leaving you feeling disconnected and out of sync with who you really are. Subconscious mind work helps you recognize those hidden patterns so you can find your way back to yourself.
How do I know if I’m wearing a “mask” around other people?
You might notice that you’re holding parts of yourself back, saying things you think others want to hear, or you feel a sense of tension with the thought of being seen. It often feels like you’re “playing a role” or performing a version of yourself that doesn’t quite match who you know yourself to be on the inside.
Can I change without losing the parts of me that kept me safe?
Yes. The goal isn’t to rip the mask off overnight. It’s to gently notice where it came from, understand how it’s been protecting you, and slowly let go of the pieces that are keeping you small now. You can keep what still serves you and grow into a version of yourself that feels more real.