The Hidden Logic Behind Indecision

When I was younger, I was very indecisive, and I couldn’t figure out why.

Back then, I didn’t want to make any kind of decision, regardless of how big or small it was. If someone asked me what time I wanted to hang out, I’d get them to choose. If someone asked me which item I wanted and gave me two options, I’d see if I could get both instead of having to pick one.

Unless I had a very strong opinion on which option I preferred, I’d typically just go with the flow and let the other people decide for me.

Acting this way never had a glaringly negative impact on any part of my life, but I noticed it, and I always wondered why I did it. Eventually, it left me feeling a bit like I didn’t have the kind of control over my life that I wanted to have, because sometimes I genuinely wanted to make a choice, and I was expected to, but still… I felt like I couldn’t choose.

Now that I’ve come to understand a lot more about how the mind works, I’ve been able to get myself past this way of being, and as time has gone on, I’ve also learned the reasons why it happens.

The biggest thing I’ve learned is that not all indecisiveness is the same. In fact, there are many different “flavours” of it; different things that make it up. My goal here is to share some of the most common patterns that I’ve found, so you can start to recognize what might be playing out inside of you when indecisiveness hits, and take back control over your ability to choose.

Below are the 5 most common types of indecisiveness I’ve come across, and what makes them happen.

Pattern #1: Being afraid to make the wrong decision

This type of indecision happens when we feel like we need to be 100% certain that we’re making the “right” choice before we’re willing to make one at all. If we can’t be absolutely certain, we get stuck in a loop of thinking things through, rather than making the choice.

The reason it happens:

At the root of this pattern, we’re uncomfortable with not knowing what will happen after we choose. That uncertainty feels risky, so making the decision starts to feel dangerous.

Because of that, the thought of making the “wrong” choice can feel threatening. We’re afraid of what we might have to experience afterward, whether that’s regret, disappointment, judgment, loss, or having to live with consequences we don’t want.

How this plays out subconsciously:

1. We start thinking about making a choice.
   We gather our options and start thinking through what could happen with each one. But because we can’t know for sure how any of them will play out, we’re immediately faced with uncertainty, and that uncertainty feels risky.
2. Our subconscious mind starts bringing possible “danger” into our awareness.
   It starts scanning each option for what could go wrong so it can protect us from making the wrong choice. We might picture things going badly, imagine regretting what we chose, think about someone judging us, or see ourselves stuck dealing with consequences we don’t want.
3. Those imagined scenarios create more fear and doubt.
   As we internally see and feel these possible outcomes, we start assuming that what we’re imagining could be what genuinely happens. Even though they’re scenarios our mind has created, they can start to feel like real warnings. And once we’ve thought through what could go wrong with every option, none of them feels particularly safe anymore.
4. We start trying to find a way around the risk.
   We look for ways to change some of our options so we can reduce the risk. We gather more information, ask other people what they think, or search for a completely different option that feels safer.
5. We get stuck.
   By this point, our subconscious mind has found a possible danger attached to every choice. Every option now has something that makes us hesitate, so none of them feels like the “right” one to make. We keep thinking, researching, and waiting because choosing any of them still feels risky.

This is what creates analysis paralysis. We keep waiting for an option that feels completely safe, while our mind keeps finding possible dangers in every one we consider. 

Pattern #2: Reopening a decision you already made

This type of indecision happens when we’ve already made our choice, but we never fully accept the choice we made. Part of us keeps going back and reassessing the decision because we keep wondering if we should’ve chosen differently.

The reason it happens:

At the root of this pattern, we still have fear around the possibility that we made the wrong choice. Making the decision didn’t get rid of the uncertainty around how things will turn out, so somewhere inside of us, the question of whether we chose “right” still feels unresolved.

How this plays out subconsciously:

1. We make the decision, but the uncertainty is still there.
   We’ve chosen, but we still can’t know for sure whether that choice will turn out the way we hoped. So part of us continues to feel unsure about whether we made the right call.
2. Our subconscious mind starts checking for signs that we got it wrong.
   A new thought might pop up about something we didn’t consider; we might picture the choice turning out badly, imagine regretting it later, or suddenly start thinking about what we could’ve had if we’d chosen differently.
3. Those thoughts start to feel like evidence that we might have made a mistake.
   As we internally play those possibilities out, the doubt starts to feel more legitimate. What began as uncertainty starts to feel like a sign that maybe we really did choose wrong.
4. We reopen the decision and start trying to figure out whether we should change it.
   We might do more research, compare the options again, ask other people what they think, look for information that supports the choice we made, or start seriously considering whether we should switch back.
5. We eventually settle on an answer again, but it doesn’t stay settled.
   Maybe we decide that our original choice still makes the most sense, or maybe we change our mind and choose something else. Either way, the underlying uncertainty hasn't gone away, so another thought, feeling, or piece of information can easily make us question the decision all over again.

This is what keeps the decision from ever really feeling finished. Every new doubt becomes another reason to reopen it, so we never fully settle into the choice we already made.

Pattern #3: Being genuinely pulled in two directions

This type of indecision happens when two different choices both have something we genuinely want. We can see the value in both, so whichever one we focus on starts to feel like the one we should choose.

The reason it happens:

At the root of this pattern, there are usually two different wants, needs, or priorities that both matter to us.

One option might give us more freedom while the other gives us more stability. One might feel exciting while the other feels safe. One might open up new possibilities while the other lets us hold onto something we already care about.

The problem is that both choices have something important attached to them, so neither one is easy to let go of.

How this plays out subconsciously:

1. We focus on one option and feel the pull toward it.
   Our mind starts showing us what we like about that choice. We notice how good it would feel, imagine the possibilities it could create, and start feeling like this option is the one we want. 
2. Our attention shifts to the other option.
   Now our mind starts showing us what that choice could give us, and we start feeling the pull toward it instead.
3. We become more aware of what we’d have to give up by choosing the second option.
   As the second choice starts to feel more appealing, we start to realize everything we might lose if we don't choose the first option.
4. Our focus shifts, and the first option starts to feel stronger again, so we change our mind.
   Thinking about what we’d lose from the first option pulls our attention back toward it. Once we’re focused on it again, all the positive thoughts and feelings connected to that choice come back into focus, and we start leaning toward it again.
5. We get stuck going back and forth.
   Then the same process keeps repeating. Whichever option we’re focused on feels more important, so neither choice stays clear long enough for us to fully settle on one.

This is what creates the back-and-forth. There’s something we genuinely want on both sides, and our attention keeps shifting between what each choice could give us.

Pattern #4: You genuinely know what you want, but something inside is stopping you

This type of indecision happens when we already know what choice we want to make, but something inside of us makes it hard to actually let ourselves do it.

The reason it happens:

At the root of this pattern, we already know what we want, but something inside of us is telling us that choosing it isn’t okay.

We might believe that it’ll disappoint someone, go against an old rule about what we think we “should” do in life, or challenge something we believe about who we are, what we’re allowed to want, or how we’re supposed to live.

How this plays out subconsciously:

1. We recognize what we genuinely want.
   We think about the choice and feel good about it. We might picture ourselves doing it, feel excited about what it would give us, or simply have a clear sense of, “Yes, this is what I want.”
2. Something inside of us starts pushing back against that choice.
   Our subconscious mind brings up whatever it has associated with why choosing it isn’t okay. We might picture someone being disappointed in us, hear a thought about what we “should” do instead, suddenly feel guilty, or have the sense that making this choice would mean something negative about who we are or how we’re supposed to live.
3. That internal pushback changes how the choice feels.
   Those new thoughts and feelings are now competing with the good feelings we originally had about what we wanted. The choice that used to feel clear now feels uncomfortable to move forward with.
4. We start trying to get away from that internal conflict.
   We might hesitate, talk ourselves out of what we wanted, look for another option that feels more acceptable, or start convincing ourselves that we should choose something else instead.
5. We override the choice we originally wanted to make.
   The internal resistance becomes strong enough that we either choose something else or don’t move forward at all, even though we already knew what we wanted in the first place.

This is what keeps us stuck between knowing what we want and actually choosing it. Every time we move toward the choice, the same subconscious reaction can step in and pull us away from it again.

Pattern #5: You’re trying to find a choice with no downside

This type of indecision happens when we know that every option we have comes with a downside. We’re very aware of the negative tradeoff that’ll come from each one, so instead of choosing, we keep looking for another option that’ll let us avoid having to accept any of them.

This is different from Pattern #1 because here, the downside isn’t something we’re imagining might happen. We already know the tradeoff is real.

The reason it happens:

At the root of this pattern, there’s something about experiencing those downsides that we really don’t want to face.

One choice might mean we need to give up our freedom, another might mean we’ll lose money, and another might mean we need to let go of something we care about. We already know there’s a cost attached to each one, but we keep hoping there’s a way to get what we want without having to pay any of those costs.

How this plays out subconsciously:

1. We go through all of our options and the downsides attached to each one.
   We already know, either from research, experience, or the reality of the situation, what the negative tradeoff of each choice will be.
2. Each downside creates resistance inside of us.
   As we think through each option, our attention goes to what we’d have to lose, tolerate, give up, or deal with if we chose it. We don’t want any of those outcomes, so none of the options feels good enough to commit to.
3. We keep going back through the choices hoping there’s a way around the negatives.
   We compare them again, rethink the situation, and look for some way to change one of the options so we can get what we want without having to accept the part we don’t want.
4. We start waiting for the situation to change.
   We might keep looking for another option, hope circumstances shift, wait for something better to come along, or put the decision off because we’re hoping the tradeoff will eventually disappear.
5. We get stuck because the tradeoff doesn’t go anywhere.
   At some point, there might just be no option that gives us everything we want without a downside. The decision can only move forward once we accept that we’re going to have to choose something despite the negative that comes with it.

At that point, this pattern starts to look less like indecision and more like decision avoidance. We already know what the options are and what each one costs, but we keep avoiding the act of choosing because we don’t want to accept any of the tradeoffs.

What’s really keeping us stuck 

All five of these patterns have something important in common: there’s something underneath the decision that we’re having a hard time facing.

That might mean sitting in the uncertainty of not knowing how things will turn out, letting go of something we still want, going against other people’s expectations and choosing for ourselves, or accepting a situation we wish had a better option.

The real work is finding the root of what’s making it so hard to choose in the first place. Once we can see what’s actually happening underneath the indecision, we can work with that part of ourselves directly and start changing what’s keeping the same pattern stuck in place.

That’s how to start letting go of what’s been stopping us and make it easier to move forward.

A final thing to keep in mind

Obviously, these five patterns aren’t the only reasons people become indecisive. Sometimes we genuinely don’t have enough information, we have too many options to sort through, or other things are affecting our ability to make a decision.

But the important thing is to remember that “indecisiveness” is only what we see on the surface. What’s actually causing it can be completely different from one person, or one decision, to the next.

The more we can understand what’s happening inside of us when we get stuck, the more we can work with what’s actually causing it and start making our choices more consciously.

Until next time.

Nikki

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About the Author

Nikki Nicholas is a subconscious mind coach who specializes in removing the subconscious patterns, self-sabotage, and nervous system responses that keep people stuck. Her work integrates NLP, hypnotherapy, EFT, and strategic intervention coaching to help clients get past their negative thoughts and emotions that have been running on autopilot. With 17+ years spent studying the subconscious mind and over 10,000 hours in meditation, Nikki helps capable, self-aware people move past the internal patterns that are holding them back.

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