How to Trust Your Own Judgment

Whether we know it or not, we’re constantly making judgements about our lives and the world around us. We’re determining whether we like something, whether we think we’ve done a good job, whether something feels right to us, and even whether our reactions make sense.

Some people have a very easy time trusting their own judgment… but some people don’t. 

For example, say someone puts on an outfit and decides they look great. Depending on how that person judges things, they might make that decision, go about their day, and barely even think about it again. Whereas another person might initially look at themselves and think the outfit looks great on them too, but then throughout the day they find themselves constantly questioning whether it really does. They feel unsure about wearing it the whole time, until somebody else tells them it looks good.

In this scenario, both people are making a judgment about what they see. The difference is that one of them feels comfortable trusting their own view of things, while the other person keeps questioning theirs.

Why is that?

When you look at the subconscious layers underneath our judgement in various situations, you’ll see that there are patterns taking place that most people don't realize, and they're all happening automatically. 

We're all constantly taking in and processing information, doing different “checks” to know whether something we think is valid or not; then we respond to life based on what those checks tell us.

In this article, I’m going to break down how this process plays out so you can start to see what’s really going on inside of you when you’re figuring out whether something feels right, true, or trustworthy to you, why you tend to trust your own judgement in some situations and not in others, and what would need to change if you want to be able to rely on your own view more.

The mechanics of how we trust

While studying Neuro-Linguistic Programming, I learned about something called “Internal/External Frames of Reference.” It’s a framework that explains the different ways we subconsciously decide whose judgment or what kind of information to trust.

It looks at how we subconsciously look to different “places” for evidence of whether something is “right” or not, and how, depending on what we’ve experienced in our lives, we can end up allowing certain kinds of information to carry more weight than others.

And whatever carries the most weight is what we’re most likely to trust. 

This can play out in a few different ways: 

We look within ourselves - With this type, we mainly rely on our own experience and judgment to decide what seems right or true to us. Other people can disagree, but we don’t need their agreement to trust our own view. 

We look externally - With this one, we mainly look outside of ourselves to know if something is right or not. We pay more attention to what other people think, tell us, or how they react, to decide what to trust. 

We use both equally - With this type of checking, our own judgment and the information we get from the outside world carry about the same amount of importance. We give both about the same amount of weight. 

We start internally, then check externally - With this one, we have an internal sense of what we think first, but we also want to check it against something outside of ourselves. Our own judgment is our starting point, but outside information can still affect our evaluation. 

We start externally, then check internally - With this one, we look outside of ourselves as our main reference point, but then we also check that information against what we think for ourselves.

And the type of checking we use can vary depending on the context. For example, someone might trust their own judgment completely when it comes to their work, but then look much more to other people when it comes to how they look. Someone else might do the opposite. They might rely heavily on feedback at work, but have no problem trusting their own judgment when it comes to their personal life.

Over the course of our lives, these ways of “checking” can become automatic patterns without us realizing it. Based on what we’ve experienced, our subconscious mind learns which kinds of information feel safest or most reliable to trust.

And there are more nuances to this too. These are just the 5 basic structures of how these “checks” happen within us, but there’s more that goes into what we give the most weight to and what can sway us in a particular direction. 

How “checking” gets more complicated

When we start looking outside of ourselves for confirmation of what’s right or wrong, there are other things that can affect how much weight those checks carry.

For example:

• One person’s opinion can carry more weight - When we’re checking externally, not everyone’s opinion will necessarily carry the same amount of weight. We might hear the exact same thing from ten people and barely think twice about it, but if one particular person says something different, their opinion can outweigh all others.
• We can look for consensus - Sometimes one external check isn’t enough. We might keep asking or looking around to see whether more people agree before we feel confident trusting what we think.
• We can get conflicting feedback - When different external checks give us different answers, it can make it harder to know which one to trust or how much weight to give each one.
• We might not know when we’ve checked enough - We can continuously look for more opinions or more confirmation because the checks we’ve already done still don’t feel convincing enough.

The fact that outside information affects our judgment isn’t inherently good or bad; it’s just worth noticing, because it changes the way we think. Over time, these “checks” become automatic and can have us relying on other people’s judgement in situations where we could (and sometimes should) be trusting our own.

Influence vs information

Taking in other people’s thoughts, feedback, or advice can also sometimes be a good thing. Other people can give us information we didn’t have, notice things we missed, or point out details that change what makes sense to us.

The thing to keep in mind, though, is that sometimes we can hear someone else's opinion, and even though they haven’t actually given us any new information, the fact that they see it differently can be all it takes for us to start questioning our own view. 

That’s why it’s so important to be aware of what’s subconsciously playing out inside of us in these situations, and to pay attention to whether we’re changing our view because we genuinely learned something new, or purely because someone else’s judgment is carrying more weight than it necessarily should. 

If it’s the latter and we find it hard to stop, that’s when it’s worth looking at the deeper layers of what’s happening subconsciously. 

The subconscious layers underneath

When we start to become aware of the types of “checks” we tend to rely on, and we start to notice which ones are getting in the way of how we’d prefer to be, the next thing to figure out is why we feel so compelled to rely on those particular checks in the first place.

As I mentioned earlier, our subconscious mind learns through experience, and those experiences shape what it believes might be associated with danger or a potentially negative outcome. Since its goal is to keep us safe, whenever it thinks something might go badly if we don’t get our judgment right, it’ll use whatever it can to try to get us to avoid moving toward that negative outcome.  

So, if it remembers that getting someone else’s input has helped us in the past, checking with someone this time will probably be what it automatically pushes us toward. It uses thoughts, feelings, body sensations, urges, and shifts in our attention to do that; to prompt us toward the specific action it wants us to take.

For example: 

• We might already know what we want to do, but then we get an uneasy feeling that we might be making a mistake. So we ask someone else what they think, and they agree with us, so the uneasy feeling goes away.
• Maybe we start thinking about what we should do, but then we immediately feel unsure about trusting our own judgment. That uncertainty pushes us toward asking someone else what they think first. After hearing their opinion, we check in with ourselves to see what makes sense to us, then decide what to act on.
• If we don’t feel confident trusting our own judgment in a certain situation, we might look to someone else to tell us what they think is right. Their answer gives us the certainty we’re looking for, so we feel more comfortable going along with it.

Across all three of these examples, what’s happening internally is different, but the same basic process is taking place. When our subconscious mind thinks that something could go badly, it brings up uncertainty, fear, or some other uncomfortable feeling inside of us, and that prompts us to “check” with someone else, so that we can feel more certain. It also moves us further away from that uncomfortable outcome. And when checking with someone else consistently helps us get out of that uncomfortable state, we start doing it automatically whenever a similar situation comes up.

So if we want to find out why we keep reaching for someone else’s judgment, even though we don't want to, the important thing to pay attention to is what happens inside of us before we check with them, and what changes after we’ve gotten their response. That’s how we can start to see what that “check” is actually doing for us.

When we want to respond differently

Sometimes, seeing these patterns clearly is enough to give us the space to respond differently. Like when we notice that an internal feeling is prompting us to check with someone else, and instead of automatically following that prompt, we stop ourselves and consciously decide if what we’re being prompted to do makes sense to us. And if it doesn’t, we can choose to respond differently.

But sometimes these patterns are deeper and harder to break. In those cases, we might see the whole pattern play out, but then still feel just as pulled toward responding the same way. When this happens, it usually means there’s something deeper at a subconscious level that still needs to be worked through.

If you want help learning how to change the subconscious patterns that are keeping you stuck in situations like this, learn more about how I can help here.

When you’re able to find and release the patterns underneath these automatic responses, you won’t feel the same need to check with other people when you don’t want to, because what was prompting you to do it all along has finally been seen and let go of.  

Until next time,

Nikki

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About the Author

Nikki Nicholas is a subconscious mind coach who specializes in removing the subconscious patterns, self-sabotage, and nervous system responses that keep people stuck. Her work integrates NLP, hypnotherapy, EFT, and strategic intervention coaching to help clients get past their negative thoughts and emotions that have been running on autopilot. With 17+ years spent studying the subconscious mind and over 10,000 hours in meditation, Nikki helps capable, self-aware people move past the internal patterns that are holding them back.

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