Have you ever noticed how you can want to do one thing, but still do the opposite? Kind of like you’re on autopilot and can’t control it? If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why do I keep doing things I don’t want to do?” this article’s for you. This is a classic sign that your subconscious mind is quietly running the show.
The content below is here to lay the groundwork on what the subconscious mind is, how it’s quietly shaping your everyday choices (without you realizing it), and why ignoring it could be keeping you stuck in patterns that are hindering your life.
Once you see what’s taking place, you can’t unsee it, and that’s where change begins.
Let’s start things off simple, and make the invisible visible.
Why so much of life runs on autopilot (the 95% rule)
Did you know that around 95% of your thoughts and actions are controlled purely by your subconscious mind? Meaning that only 5% of the thoughts you think and the actions you take are things that you consciously control.
Think about the impact of that for a second…
If you’ve ever had an experience where you felt like you were stuck on autopilot or like your actions didn’t line up with your true intentions, this is why. This is what people mean when they use the term “self-sabotage”. Essentially, you’re unconsciously undermining your own goals and stopping yourself from moving forward toward the things you really want in life.
A common real‑life example (people‑pleasing/always saying “yes”)
Here’s an example of how it all works: Have you ever had it where a friend, a coworker, or a family member asked you to do something that you knew would completely drain you or seriously inconvenience you, but you still said yes anyway? Then you regretted it later on?
Then, the next time you were asked to do it, you said yes again, even though (again), you didn’t want to, and you ended up regretting that too?
While you were being asked, you might have had it where everything inside of you was screaming for you to say “no”, but despite that, you still said “yes”. This kind of thing happens because there’s a lot more going on at the deeper levels inside of you than you might consciously realize.
For example, maybe when you thought about saying no, your mind started playing out all the possible negative scenarios that could happen if you did, thinking, “If I say no, what if I make the person angry? What if they start to think of me as selfish or mean? What if I risk losing my connection with this person altogether?”
Deep down, all of these thoughts would have played out inside of you to stop you from saying no, because your subconscious mind was trying to protect you from being rejected, feeling unloved, or ending up alone. So, despite that you genuinely wanted to honour your own needs, your subconscious programming was stepping in and nudging you to say “yes”, all in an effort to keep the peace, avoid conflict, and keep you being seen in a positive light by that person.
Saying “yes” when you really mean “no” might seem like a small thing, but it can quickly become a pattern that builds over time and forces you to live your life in ways that you wish you didn’t, neglecting what you really want or need in the process. If it happens for long enough, it can cause resentment to build within you when you think about the other person, and make it harder for you to set and enforce boundaries with them down the road. All of this can eventually lead to burnout.
This is a classic example of self-sabotage, where you solely prioritize other people’s needs over your own, even when it hurts you. Essentially, consciously you want one thing, but the feelings and emotions brought up from your subconscious mind when it’s time to take action are controlling your actions in ways that aren’t serving you.
Your subconscious isn’t the enemy; it’s trying to protect you
It’s really important to note that your subconscious mind is never trying to hurt you when it does things like this; it’s actually there for the exact opposite reason – to keep you safe. It’s just that, over time, some of our “internal connections” can get crossed, and that’s when unwanted patterns like these can start to take over.
It’s in these moments when we need to become consciously aware of what’s taking place within us, then consciously step in and ‘rewire’ that subconscious part of us so that it doesn’t get in the way, and make us act in ways we don’t want to.
What the subconscious mind is (a simple analogy)
To dive deeper, let’s talk about what exactly the subconscious mind is.
The way I like to explain it is through analogy…
Think of your mind as having two main parts: the conscious part and the subconscious part. The conscious mind is like the captain of a ship, making decisions and setting goals. But the subconscious mind is the entire crew and the ship’s engine. They’re the ones carrying out the decisions based on what they’ve been told to do by the Captain (their “programming”).
Sometimes, the captain is too busy making plans and living life to constantly give direction to the crew, so instead, they use systems to keep things running smoothly. The crew might be given daily operating procedures, maps, and other resources to hold onto, so that when it comes time to make a decision, and the captain isn’t around, the crew still knows what to do, based on the captain’s past decisions about how to handle those kinds of situations.
That way, the captain can keep focusing their attention on the bigger picture, like what course to take and how to get there.
This “programming” (like the operating procedures and maps) for you comes from your past experiences, your upbringing, your traumas, and all of the information you’ve absorbed throughout your life. It’s like a giant database of beliefs and habits that you most likely aren’t consciously aware are there.
How your subconscious shows up in everyday moments
To give you a better idea of how this ‘programming’ actually plays out in your day-to-day life, here are three common scenarios of self-sabotaging behaviours that I see all the time:
- Negative Self-Talk: Do you ever catch yourself mentally beating yourself up, thinking thoughts like, ‘I’m not good enough,’ ‘I’m not smart enough,’ or ‘I’ll never be able to achieve what I want to achieve’? Like there’s a constant stream of negative thoughts running through your head, telling you you’re not capable? This is likely your subconscious mind replaying messages that you heard back when you were a kid, internalizing them as your own and using them to undermine your confidence, which keeps you in a perpetual cycle of self-sabotage.
- Procrastination on Passion Projects: Do you ever find that you put off working on certain passion projects that you’re really excited about? You know that you want to do them, but you just can’t get yourself to actually start. This type of procrastination could be due to your subconscious mind stepping in because it’s afraid of the visibility and potential judgment that could come from success. Or maybe it’s a fear of failure, or a fear of the unknown. Whatever the reason, it usually comes down to a deep-rooted fear of being seen or criticized. This type of fear can lead to self-sabotage, keeping you from ever really going after the things you care about most.
- Suppressing Your Own Opinions: Do you ever feel like you can’t speak your mind in group settings, even when you completely disagree with what’s being said? Almost like there’s an invisible force stopping you from sharing your true thoughts and opinions. This could be happening because your subconscious mind associates speaking up with causing conflict or being rejected, based on past experiences where your voice wasn’t valued or you were punished for expressing yourself.
These are just a few examples, but honestly, the ways that your subconscious mind can influence your life are pretty much endless. And that’s why I created a free guide that lists the most common ways these self-sabotaging patterns show up day-to-day. I’ll link it at the end so you can start spotting what’s happening within you in real time.
Once you start seeing your patterns, you can’t unsee them, and that’s the first step to changing them.
A personal note (a time when my subconscious held me back)
I want you to know that no matter what kind of subconscious patterns you have, you are 100% normal in having them – we all have them, including me. Though I’ve been working for years to find and remove the ones that used to keep me stuck.
Here’s one that I had:
I was bullied as a kid, and when that happened, it created an intense fear inside of me that would come up anytime I needed to speak up or stand out in a group of people. Essentially, I had a fear of being seen. This was a pattern that ended up holding me back from grade 3 to about my early 30s.
Even though I was very aware that the pattern existed, back then, I didn’t know how to deal with it or how to remove it.
It ended up stopping me from pursuing a lot of the things that I really wanted to do in life, including moving forward with my coaching business, because deep down, I knew that in order to find clients, I would need to put myself into the public eye, and my subconscious mind, through my past experiences, had tied “danger” to doing that. It basically kept telling me, “If you’re seen, you’ll be judged, and that’ll lead to pain.” It wasn’t until I consciously started working to rewire that belief that I could finally let it go of it and step fully into the life I knew I was meant to live.
You can rewrite your story too (first steps)
The biggest takeaway that I want you to get from all of this is that no matter what type of programming is holding you back right now, it doesn’t have to stay there – you can change it. And it’s not hard, you just need to learn how. And when you do, you’ll be able to consciously choose or “recalibrate” your automatic thoughts and actions. That 95% will start to work for you, instead of against you. This is the key to creating a life that’s aligned with what you truly want. Where you get to be the version of ‘you’ that you’ve always wanted to be.
Nikki
Next steps and resources
- Free guide:
Get my free resource, the Self Sabotage Handbook - What to read next:
If you want to dive deeper from here…
Frequently Asked Questions:
Why do I act against my own goals if I genuinely want to change?
When a subconscious pattern is tied to safety, it can trigger intense emotions, overactive thoughts, and body sensations that “override” your conscious intentions in that moment. It can feel like you’re on autopilot. The more you notice when this happens and what it feels like inside of you, the more chance you have to pause and choose a different response.
Is self-sabotage just a willpower or discipline problem?
Usually, no. Most of the time it’s your subconscious mind trying to keep you safe by holding on to old beliefs and associations. That’s why “just try harder” often fails, and why real change starts with understanding the pattern you’re in, not blaming yourself for it.
What’s one simple way to start shifting a subconscious pattern?
Start by tracking the exact moment you pull back from aligned action. Notice what you were about to do, what thought showed up, and what emotion or body sensation came with it. You don’t have to fix it right away. Simply witnessing that sequence is the first step to loosening its grip.