Authenticity & Identity

If you don’t know why you can’t be yourself around others, or why your voice seems to disappear whenever you want to speak up, it’s likely because your subconscious mind is prioritizing safety over authenticity. If you’re trying to figure out how to be yourself, the place to start isn’t in forcing confidence, but in understanding what your nervous system thinks it’s protecting you from.

This can play out as over-editing yourself mid-sentence, scanning for other people’s reactions, laughing things off, staying agreeable, people pleasing to keep the peace, or going quiet when you actually have something to say.

Our past experiences can sometimes cause a “subconscious link” to form within us, making it feel like being ourselves could lead to rejection or conflict. That is why you sometimes shift into hiding your true self, performing, or staying silent.

The articles on this page will help you understand why authenticity and identity can feel so hard sometimes, how to regulate yourself in the moments that feel the most challenging, and how to express your true self without second-guessing. As your nervous system relearns what it’s like to feel safe to be seen, your real voice will come back, and your relationships will start to feel much easier.

If you’re new to this work, start with my Subconscious Mind 101 content first, then come back here after you’ve learned the basics.

What authenticity actually is (and what it’s not)

A lot of people think authenticity means saying everything you think, never filtering yourself, and living with zero fear.

That is not what I mean here.

Authenticity, in the way I use it, is:

• having access to your real opinions, needs, preferences, and limits
• being able to communicate them without your system going into threat mode
• staying connected to yourself while you stay connected to other people

This is why “authenticity” doesn’t typically come from just a mindset shift. It comes from a nervous system shift.

Why your identity can feel unclear (especially around other people)

If you grew up needing to adapt to stay safe, connected, or accepted, your system might have learned to prioritize:

• reading the room
• minimizing your needs
• keeping people stable
• staying “easy”
• being what’s expected

Over time, you can become so skilled at adjusting that you lose track of what’s actually you (that’s how I felt years ago).

This is one of the most common authenticity and identity patterns I see: where people have been conditioned and don’t even realize that they’re actions aren’t “them”.

Common “mask” patterns (how authenticity gets blocked)

Most masks aren’t deliberate. They’re automatic.

Some common patterns:

• People pleasing
  Saying yes when you mean no, softening your truth, prioritizing others’ comfort over your own.

• Going quiet when it matters
  Your voice disappears during conflict, meetings, hard conversations, or intimacy.

• Over-explaining and over-justifying
  You try to earn permission to have a need, boundary, or preference.

• Performing competence or perfection
  You lead with “having it together” so no one sees uncertainty or emotion.

• Becoming who you think you should be
  You choose the identity that’s rewarded, not the one that feels true.

• Feeling like a different person in different rooms
  Your personality shifts depending on who you’re with, then you feel confused afterward.

If you recognize yourself here, the goal is not to rip the mask off through force. The goal is to understand why it’s there, and help your system feel safe enough to gradually let go of it.

Why authenticity can feel unsafe

The core issue is rarely “I don’t know how to be myself.”

It’s more often:

• “Being myself cost me something before.”
• “If I take up space, I’ll be rejected.”
• “If I have needs, I’ll be too much.”
• “If I say what I really think, I’ll create conflict.”
• “If I stop performing, I’ll be abandoned.”

These aren’t random thoughts. They’re learned associations.

Your nervous system is doing what it was trained to do.

How change actually happens (the 3 layers)

Just like with self-sabotage patterns, most people try to fix authenticity at the wrong layer.

Here’s what works, in order:

• Awareness (pattern recognition)
  You learn your specific sequence: what triggers the mask, what you feel in your body, and what you do automatically.

• Regulation (nervous system safety)
  So you can stay present through discomfort instead of defaulting to hiding, pleasing, or shutting down.

• Identity integration (updating what feels “allowed”)
  You slowly teach your system that it’s safe to be seen, have needs, take up space, and still stay connected.

This is how your real voice comes back. Not through forcing confidence, but through safety and repetition.

Where to start (read these first)

If you want a structured starting point, start with the foundational article below, then move forward from there. Each article you read will build your capacity to feel safe being seen and to express yourself without self-abandoning.

Start with this article:

Join my newsletter

Frequently Asked Questions